I guess I have been living in la la land with sparkly unicorns and rainbows lately. Things have been so great with just a few minor hiccups. I have been all smiles and laughs and even for a brief period didn't think about Down syndrome. Life has been great...until now. Let me rephrase that. Life is still great, but today just sucks. I cried, and then I cried some more, and if that wasn't enough I cried some more. I don't know why this is happening today. Nothing specifically occurred to trigger these emotions. I know I am still in a way better place than before, but I guess it still takes time to really get past these emotions. Is this normal? I guess every single person has their ups and downs right? I just don't want to be sad about the same subject over and over again. I know some days will be hard because of medical issues, therapy, etc. I am prepared for that. At least, I think I am. I just don't want to be sad about the fact that Camden has Ds. These are things that I don't even share with my family or closest friends because I feel I have to be strong 100% of the time. I share it here because it's easier for me to write out my feelings. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because honestly I am not sorry for anything. I feel so blessed to have Camden in our lives. I can't even describe how much he has changed this family for the good. I don't want to change him because he has the best little personality that makes him Camden. I just don't want to cry about it anymore. I don't want to feel like I have been hit by the emotional freight train again. Several people told me in the beginning that it is a roller coaster ride. I understood it before, but I really get it now. I really just want to take the roller coaster back to la la land soon.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)
Even through the saddest of times, this boy always brings a smile to my face.
Some days it hits me, too. I just let the tears come...embrace it...then move on. It's the best I can do right now. Hugs to you mama.
ReplyDeleteYou are right Crystal. There is not much else you can do. I think it's good that these days are less frequent now and I'm grateful for that. Tomorrow is a new day! :)
DeleteI had many moments like this during the first year, it's normal. As time goes by these moments get fewer and farther between. I agree with Crystal, allow yourself these down times, embrace them, then move forward. The lows are low, but the highs are always higher :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Jenny! I love that I can get advice from you moms that are further along this path. I think it keeps me sane! :) I guess I thought since I felt so great the last couple of months that the bad feelings went away. I suppose it takes time.
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