Now I Know Why

When I was pregnant with my oldest I was a nervous wreck. I don't know if it was because it was my first pregnancy or if it's because I'm an anxious person anyway.  I had all the prenatal testing done and I remember it not even being a question for me because I just wanted to know. I was one of those mothers who always said "I just want a healthy baby." That phrase has a whole different meaning to me now. I remember waiting for the call about the results of my blood tests and hearing the words that everything was fine. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The moment I got pregnant with Camden I felt that there was something different from the very beginning but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The doctor asked me if I wanted to get all the prenatal testing done and I immediately said "no." I didn't even think about it. I never even discussed it with my husband. This was extremely out of my character because I am a planner. I like to be prepared in all situations. At the time I just felt like I didn't need to have it done and I had no idea why. I have always had the mentality that I would keep my baby no matter what. End. Of. Story.

Shortly after Camden was born I started reading that the abortion rate for those with a diagnosis of Down syndrome was high. At one point I read it was 90% and other places I read it was closer to 70%. I'm not sure what the accurate number is today, but I know it's still pretty high. I've read numerous articles and have seen several discussions on the topic of prenatal testing. I don't chime in or participate only because I always felt like I didn't have a place.  How could I advise a mother or say their decision is wrong when I haven't had to make that choice before.  I don't want to judge anyone for the choices that they make.  However, I feel a lot of the time the choice of abortion is made because one is misinformed, given negative information, or given no information at all and of course we want to change that.  Before Camden was born I did not know much about Down syndrome. I only knew what I had learned through school and during my nursing career. I didn't know anybody that had Ds and I didn't have any friends or family that knew anybody that had Ds. In a sense, I was clueless. I'm sure that's how a lot of mothers feel when they get that prenatal diagnosis. I imagine it's an extremely scary time for them.  Most of my mom friends did receive a prenatal diagnosis and they made the decision to keep their sweet bundle of joy.  Several still went through the process of grief, but they always knew they would bring their baby into this world.  I don't know what that's like because I haven't been in their shoes, but again I feel I would have kept my baby regardless.

After saying all of that, I can't stop thinking about a conversation I had with the hubby a few months ago.  We were on a date night (a very rare occasion) and I randomly brought up my pregnancy.  I don't know where it came from, but I think it was something that has always been on my mind and I was too scared to ask. I asked him straight out "if we knew that Camden had Down Syndrome would you have asked me to abort?"  He looked at me and simply said "probably...yes." My eyes filled up with tears and I felt a little stab through my heart.  All I could think was "thank God we didn't know."  That was the end of the conversation and we never talked about it again. Now I know why I didn't have any testing done.

What is the point of this? I really don't know. Maybe I just felt the need to get this all off my chest because I've been carrying it around for a while. I'm horrified at the thought that we could have possibly chosen not to keep Camden. I'm ashamed. It makes me cry everytime I think about it. I didn't want my friends and family to hate us or judge us. Maybe it's because I'm trying to find my place in this whole prenatal testing thing. I want to be an advocate, a resource, and to be helpful the best way I know how. Most of all I want other moms to know that I was almost in your shoes. I could have been in that position of making a very difficult choice.  If you were to ask my husband now he will tell you a million times over that he would have kept this boy no matter what after knowing what we know now. We are blessed beyond measure. Our life is still full of challenges, but the joy and the love far outweigh any challenge that could ever come. We could not even try to imagine our lives without Cam. That's what I want to tell other moms.

Vacay 2014!

 

This vacation was definitely one of the best ones we have taken. The nine days went by so quickly and each day was pretty packed from morning to night. I think we were all exhausted by the time we got home and although we had a blast, it's always nice to get back to your own bed.

 

The first part of our trip was spent in Indianapolis for the annual National Down Syndrome Congress convention. It's held in a different city each year which is nice for us because it gives us a reason to visit different parts of the country. We decided to take the long 14 hour drive instead of fly. I have always been so terrified of flying and we enjoy road trips so it was an easy decision to load up the car.

 

Breakfast before we hit the road!

 

 

 

We made it!

 

 

 

Hotel selfies!

 

 

 

This kid loves staying in hotels!

 

 

 

 This was our first convention to attend and I was so excited but I had no idea what to expect. The first night we got there I remember Richard asking me how many people came to the conventions. "You think about 200 people?" I laugh at this question now because there were way more than 200 people. I honestly didn't realize how many families came to this. It was pretty awesome. It's like a huge family reunion every year. You all have something in common and share a special bond. I got to see friends that I have met before, I met many online friends in person for the first time, and I made a lot of new friends. Richard frequently commented on how much he enjoyed it and even agreed that we should do it every year. For those that know my husband, that's a big deal! I got to spend quite a bit of time with friends and their littles and it felt like I had been around them for years. I've been watching their kiddos grow up in pictures for the last year and it was so special to be able to hold those sweeties and hug their moms. Well, I didn't get a lot of holding in. They went to Richard but didn't want much to do with me. Lol. I took in a lot of information and learned so many new things, but I think one of the best things for me was just interacting with the people there. We plan on going to the convention as often as we can and I already can't wait until next year.

 

I was lucky that I got to spend a lot of time with this mama. She is another Rockin Mom that I met in person for the first time in Indy. She is an incredible friend and mother!

 

 

 

 

 These Rockin Moms started DSDN several months ago and have already touched so many lives through this organization. They are doing great work and it's such a blessing to know them!

 

 

 

 

I started reading Stephanie's and Deborah's blogs shortly after Camden was born and have developed a friendship with these amazing mamas.

 

 

 

 

Friends for Life!!!

 

 

 

 

Rockin' Moms!!!

 

 

 

 

 

We decided to skip one of the workshops to take the kids to the zoo. It was only about a 10 minute walk from the hotel and the path went through a huge beautiful park. I couldn't get them into a kid's camp on Saturday and I really didn't want to make them sit through the workshops with me. We only got about an hour and a half in before it started to rain, but we had fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We spent the second half of vacation in Branson, Missouri. We have never been and really it was the only place on the way home that seemed like a fun place to go. It was a good choice because we LOVED it! It is so pretty in the Ozarks and there is so much to do there. It is a family friendly place and we will go back for sure. We got a cabin/house on Table Rock Lake for a ridiculously good price. Carter asked to go walking and exploring every day. He had the most fun of all and that makes me incredibly happy.

 

 

Riding the trolley around Downtown.

 

 

 

 

 

Even though we have a BassPro here, we always stop by one when we are out of town for some reason.

 

 

 

One of Carter's favorite things to do there was feed the ducks and turtles. He would laugh every time they would swim up and eat the food. He got a little too close to one at the cabin and it nipped his finger. He didn't laugh at that one, but mommy kind of did.

 

 

 

 

They had these "dancing" fountains downtown that Camden was mesmerized by.

 

 

 

 

One of Camden's favorite things to do on this vacation was EAT!

 

 

 

 

 

One thing I learned while on vacation is that Camden is terrified of not being secured when moving in a vehicle, boat, etc. This has never been an issue in the past so I don't know when it started. He has been on a boat with us before and has taken many tractor rides with daddy and would always be grinning from ear to ear. So, I'm not sure if it's because we were in a strange place or if it's truly a new fear. They have these boat tours called "Ride the Ducks" that take you through the town and then eventually onto the lake at the end. It's a boat on wheels basically. We thought it would be perfect for both boys and it only lasted about an hour. WRONG!!!! Carter sat with Richard in front of us and Camden sat on my lap. As soon as the boat started moving Camden's eyes got so big and he started screaming. I tried everything to calm him down but you could easily see in his face how scared he was. The poor tour guide is trying to talk to everyone and all you could hear was my child screaming at the top of his lungs. I thought about just asking the guy to drop us off on the side of the street but I don't think he would be allowed to do that for safety reasons I'm sure. I could feel the eyeballs on me from the people sitting around us and it just made me angry. I get that they were annoyed, but did they think it was fun for us?! They just kept glaring at me and I thought I was going to lose it. Finally after about 20 minutes of singing Itsy Bitsy Spider in his ear Cam falls asleep and stays asleep for the duration of the tour. Phew! I felt bad that he was so scared. Carter on the other hand loved it and even got to drive the boat on the lake for a few minutes. Of course my phone died and I didn't get any pictures of it. Oh well. They gave them these duck noise makers and Camden would put it in his mouth but wasn't sure what to do after that.

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as Carter spotted this little tiny transformer in front of the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum he kept asking to go. I hadn't been to one since I was a kid. I'm not sure if they change often but it was actually pretty cool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We made a stop at the Butterfly Museum.

 

 

 

 

They have a theme park there called Silver Dollar City that was really fun. It has all the rides and roller coasters, but they also have craftsmen there that do glass blowing, wood carving, baking, candy making, and various other things. You can watch them while they do it and it's all themed around the 1880's time period. It was pretty neat to see all the workers dressed up and you can tell it's a huge attraction because it was busy! Carter got to ride several rides and I knew not to take Cam on anything that moves!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Branson is full of shows. I bet there are almost 100 shows that go on there. They are good quality shows too. We didn't have a lot to chose from since we had kids, but we did go see The Dixie Stampede the last night we were there. It was incredible. You got a huge dinner with the show and it's very kid friendly. Cam sat on our laps and ate off our plates so we didn't have to pay for him. I was a little worried that it may be too loud for him but he was so excited and pretty much watched the whole show. I highly recommend it if you have kids and plan to travel there!

 

 

That was our vacation in a nutshell! Now we are just trying to make the most of summer before Carter starts school next month. We are making a couple of changes with Camden and therapy and I hope to write and update soon on that and previous doctor's appts. I always have good intentions and then I get so darn busy.

It's Summer!

Well, I guess it's been summer for a month now. I feel like we have been going full blast and I can't believe it's July already! I must admit we have been filling our days with mostly fun and not work. I was going to make this an update post on Camden about doctor's appointments, therapy, blah blah blah...but I'll do that next time. Instead I'll share some pics from our summer so far.

 

Last week we got to meet up with some Rockin Moms and their little ones at the Gaylord in Grapevine. The women I always refer to as Rockin Moms are the ones I first connected with online after bringing Camden home from the NICU. These ladies were a life saver for me. I literally had no one to talk to about what I was feeling. A lot of these women were going through the same emotions as I was and it was nice to be able to openly share my feelings. We are all very close and we are located all across the country and in Australia as well! There have been several Rockin Mom groups started since Jen first created this one. It's truly something amazing and I'm thankful for these women every single day. I cry with them and laugh with them. They are my family and I love them and their children so very much.

 

 

 

 

I took Carter to Six Flags a couple of weeks ago for the first time. I wasn't sure how it would go since he is still a bit young, but he LOVED it! He's definitely not a dare devil and gets scared easily. I was surprised he rode as many rides as he did. A lot of them were in the kiddie land, but he rode a couple of the bigger roller coasters too. It was just a mommy and Carter date and I think he needed that time alone with me. Even though it was steamy hot, we had a blast!

 

 

 

We have also been hanging out at the water park...

 

 

 

Spending time in the bookstore (especially since it's so hot outside)...

 

 

 

Doing some shopping...

 

 

 

And visiting with big bubba!

 

 

 

We go on vacation next week and I am so darn excited! Even Richard is excited and he never gets that way about going on vacation. We will drive to Indianapolis for the NDSC convention first and spend a few days there. I'll get to see some Rockin Moms that I've met before, plus meet some others and their babes in person for the first time! I'll hopefully get to see some friends that I've met in the blogging world too! Camden and Carter will attend Kid's Camp while Richard and I go to various workshops. I don't know how Camden will do since he's going through separation anxiety and stranger danger right now. It may not be pretty. At least Richard and I will both be there so one could get Camden if need be. After Indiana we will drive to Branson and spend four days there. Carter asks every day when we are leaving. I love that he's so excited because that's really what it is all about! Wish us luck on our 15 hour road trip! 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Size 2 Shoes

I've mentioned several times in the past how much it used to bother me when people constantly commented on how small Camden is or asked about what he was doing developmentally.  I always left the conversation feeling a bit sad and frustrated. These conversations and comments haven't stopped, but there are three things I've noticed lately:

1. I don't bother explaining why he's small or why he hasn't reached a certain "skill" yet.

2. I don't feel the need to blurt out "he has Down syndrome!" to every stranger I encounter.

3. I can smile (and sometimes laugh) about it instead of cry.

 

I always do my grocery shopping at Walmart because it's really the only place in town. I'm there probably 3-4 times a week because I seem to forget something from the previous trip.  I always do the self checkout no matter how many groceries I have because there's several available.  I like being in control of scanning and bagging my own goodies. I'm a little obsessive about some things.  Anyway, that's another topic. I see the same two ladies every time that work in the self checkout area.  They know me and my boys pretty well by now and are always excited to see Camden. I don't think they know he has Ds, or if they do they haven't mentioned it. Since Camden was very young they would always ask me the same question "How old is he?" I then answer and they give me the same response, "Oh... he's soooooo tiny! He's soooooo cute!" I would say thanks and smile but really wanted to scream "I get it lady...he's freaking small...I know!"  They really are the sweetest ladies and I know they were not trying to be rude.  I just got tired of it sometimes, you know? After Camden turned a year old the conversation changed a little, but not much. "How old is he? Really?! Oh he's sooooooo tiny! I bet he's walking all over the place!" I always reply with a simple "no...not yet." Then they tell me he probably will get up and start walking tomorrow.  I then say "it's possible, but I doubt it". Now at 18 months old we are still having the same conversation. It's part of my grocery shopping routine. I'm really waiting on the day they start asking me why he isn't walking yet.  I suppose our talks will be a little more interesting then. Lol.

 

 

The other day I was shopping in a children's store in the mall and Camden was reclined in the stroller passed out. I kept noticing a woman walking by us and she would glance down at Camden each time.  In my head I'm thinking that she must have a little one with Ds and that maybe she wants to approach me about it.  I haven't had that moment with a stranger that's also in this "club" and I thought this was it! I went about my business and she finally came up to me.  She asks "what size shoe does your son wear? He looks about the same age and size of my little boy (who was not with her) and I wanted to get him some shoes."  I kind of stood there for a second and then replied "he wears a size 2." She said that she thought her boy would be a size 2 as well. Then she says her son is 4 months old and asked if that's how old Camden is. I almost choked because I started to laugh. She looks at me like I'm nuts (probably because I busted out laughing).  I then told her that Camden is 18 months old. Her eyes got so big. You could tell she was in shock and that she also felt really bad.  She tried to apologize and make me feel better by saying her son was just so big for a 4 month old and so it's hard for her to tell with other babies. I tried to let her know that it was totally fine and that I was not offended a bit. That's the honest truth. She thanked me for my help and walked away and I went about my shopping.  It feels so good to be able to just smile and sometimes even giggle about these things now. 

 

 

I mean...really?!?! Does this kid look like a 4 month old?! Obviously he does when he's asleep!

 

 

 

Edit: I wrote this post yesterday. We were grocery shopping this morning and of course I ran into the same sweet ladies at the check out. The conversation actually changed a bit. "How old is he? Oh wow...he's sooooo little. Is he talking? Walking?" 

Now I'm going to have to explain the walking and talking thing. Blah.

 

Then and Now

Then:

 

I was scared.

I felt alone.

I was heartbroken.

I felt like I disappointed my husband and Carter.

I wanted to run away.

I cried constantly.

I was angry.

I thought life was unfair.

I hardly smiled.

I'm pretty sure I was depressed.

I couldn't see any positives in my life.

I dreaded the future.

I was stressed and exhausted.

I hated Down syndrome.

I loved my son with all my heart.

 

Now:

 

I am still scared.

I worry about the future.

I know that my husband and Carter are far from being disappointed.

I only cry every once in a while (it's not often).

I feel full of joy.

I smile all the time.

I am still stressed.

I am blessed more than I ever thought possible.

I have fun.

I am lucky.

I know I am not alone.

I have many new friends that are like family.

I love my life.

I embrace and accept Down syndrome.

I love my son with all my heart.

 

 

It's amazing how much has changed in 18 months. We've come a long way and I wouldn't change a thing.