Brothers

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Every time I sat down to write, I couldn't think of anything positive to say. My posts aren't always rainbows and sunshine, but I just really didn't want to write another negative post on the same subject matter. I have been able to accept that Camden will do things on his own time, but some days it just gets to me. When I see that he isn't reaching certain milestones yet, it stings a bit. You've heard me harp on this subject before and that's why I didn't want to write about it again. So, I've been trying to shift my mind to positive things these past couple of weeks and just couldn't seem to do it...until the other day.

I was watching Carter and Camden playing together the other night and it brought tears to my eyes. They play together every day so this wasn't something new. I got a little emotional because I started thinking back to Camden's birth and about all the crazy thoughts that swirled through my mind. I've said before that I was devastated at first. I wasn't just devastated for me though, I was hurting for Carter as well. I felt like I let him down. I thought I messed up and didn't give him the perfect brother that he deserved. I worried constantly about what kind of life Carter would have. He has his two older brothers and he adores them both, but the age gap is so wide and he doesn't get to see them much. I was so excited that he was going to have a little brother that he could play with, wrestle with, argue with, laugh with, and do all of the other things that siblings get to do together. After Camden was born I thought that dream had died. I really thought Camden would be a burden to his older brother. I thought that they would not get to play like brothers do. I didn't want Carter to resent Camden. I only wanted him to love Camden with his whole heart. I know now that these thoughts are silly and even a bit crazy, but that's honestly what I felt for a very long time. From the beginning Carter has been very protective of Camden. He would always check on him and comfort him if needed. Carter came to every doctor's appointment without complaints. Sure he got a little jealous at times, but I think all siblings probably go through that. As Camden has gotten a little older, the bond continues to grow stronger between these two boys. They get mad at each other like siblings do. Carter takes Camden's toys and makes him scream until he gets it back. Camden makes Carter mad when he pulls his hair. They laugh together every day. No one can make Camden laugh so loud as much as Carter can. They make each other smile. Carter holds Camden on his lap every evening and bounces him until they both get tired. Carter teaches Camden sign language and reads to him. The bond between these two is indescribable and it brings my heart so much joy. Carter does not see him as different. He doesn't understand that he has Down syndrome. We have tried to talk about it and his response is always "he's just a baby, that's why he can't do that yet." He thinks all babies have Ds. I know this will change one day as they both get older, but the unconditional love between these two brothers will remain the same.