The Pit

After I learned of Camden's extra chromosome a pit formed in my stomach. It's that feeling of nervousness like your going to throw up. I'm sure many of you have felt this "pit" before. You can't really eat, sleep or do much of anything. Feeling like you want to puke all day long everyday kind of stinks. I hated going to sleep at night because I dreaded waking up with that feeling. Each day started the same. I would wake up and instantly I felt sick. This misery lasted all day until the cycle would repeat itself the following day. I honestly thought that it would never go away. I couldn't focus on anything. I was just going through the motions day in and day out. It was so so hard when Richard would come and see us because I could not enjoy the things that he was. He was genuinely happy and all I could do was put on a fake smile and try to hold a decent conversation. Even when we were finally home, I still woke up every single day with that pit in my stomach. This probably lasted for a good 5 months. Right around Camden's six month mark things started to change. I know I've mentioned it in some of my posts, but I started to enjoy life again. I started to enjoy my son. It was an amazing feeling. There were days I would wake up and that feeling was gone. There were still a couple days out of the week when "the pit" would return. I wrote about those days too. They were easier to get through because I knew the next day would most likely bring joy. This is when started to realize things were going to be really great. 

The reason why I'm writing about this today is because I woke up with that feeling a couple of days ago. It sucked. I felt nervous, anxious, sad, sick and every other miserable feeling you can think of. I started to worry about the future again. I was down about all the milestones he is not meeting. I was sad about the whole Down syndrome thing in general. I know these days will still come and I know they will really hit me hard when they do. What I really want to tell everyone is that I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Has it been weeks? A month maybe? All I know is that it's been a while. That to me just shows that I'm continuing to grow and that I'm going to be just fine. We are all actually happier than we have ever been. I never thought in a million years back in November that I would be in such a good place emotionally. I still know I have not come to full acceptance of all this, but dang it I'm a lot closer than I used to be and it feels really good. I'm realizing more each day how I blessed I am.